How I Fell Back in Love with Food After It Almost Killed Me
Food has many definitions. For some, it is a fuel whose only purpose is to power an athlete through their next workout. For others, it's a luxury, the creamy taste of ice cream melting on the tongue. Pre-diagnosis, food was just part of life. I devoured pizza during sleepovers, baked on the weekend and never turned down a trip to In-N-Out.
And then, during months of extreme nausea, acid reflux, and weight loss, food changed. Suddenly, it transformed into a weapon, the cause of all my pain. And even after I became Casey the College Celiac and dove into eating gluten free, food kept torturing my belly. I didn't heal like the doctor promised. The weight I had lost didn't magically reappear. Food as medicine didn't work .
I didn't mean to stop eating. I didn't mean to live off of a rice cake with a swipe of peanut butter for breakfast, an omelet for lunch and a salad for dinner. But, suddenly, that's what happened. The food lover - the girl who ate everyone else under the table and left waitresses flabbergasted at her empty plate - broke up with her appetite because it just. Hurt. Too. Much.
I staggered around my college campus like a zombie. My stomach gurgled with liquid fire. Eventually, I ended up in the hospital hooked up to an NG tube feeding me liquid cheeseburgers. And when I returned to school a week and a half later, for the first time in ages, I feltnormal. Almost.
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| My new facial accent at the time... |
Food no longer tied up my stomach in fear, but the idea of being "healthy" dominated my mind. To gain weight, my doctors prescribed a diet of brownies, ice cream - anything dripping in calories. But I couldn't do it. My mind rebelled. It just seemed illogical to me that, in order to be healthy, I had to gorge on unhealthy treats.
That's not to say that I turned down every sweet (almond butter and I are joined at the lips), but sweets suddenly became less important. I loaded my plate with a rainbow of veggies and proteins and cringed at the idea of past greasy favorites like Pizza Hut. I became so obsessed with "being healthy" that I forgot that what society deems as healthy isn't for everyone. And, as I've finally realized, it isn't healthy for me.
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| This is my healthy: in a single day cinnamon apple oats |
in a close to-empty almond butter jar!
Food has worn many masks in my life: the criminal, thief of dietary enjoyment; the judge able to unlock health if regulations are met. Now, food and I have a different relationship: food - every type of it - is my friend. And I can't thank celiac enough for teaching me that.
I still eat healthy. I still love salads, avocados, sweet potato rounds and broccoli (even though my dad gags every time he sees my plate). I still try out new health trends like acai powder in my smoothies or 72% dark chocolate. But I also love Chick Fil A's gluten free fries and ketchup. I love watching my molten lava chocolate mug cake inflate in the microwave. And my afternoons are packed full of recipe experimentation, from pizza dough to brownies.
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| My cutting-edge pizza masterpiece! Thanks Pamela's! |
And, sure, that half a tub of sunflower butter in my quinoa flakes may not part of average Annie's "healthy" diet, but it fits in mine. And while some might think I eat "too healthy," I know that I'm giving my tummy and taste buds everything they crave. The fact is, I'm weird. I'm one of the 1 in 133 people with celiac disease in the US. My eating style doesn't match the national average - and I'm finally okay with that.
It's been a long, hard journey to find my personal definition of food and heath. First, my body extinguished my appetite; then society and my quest for the holy grail of health limited my diet. Now, a year after celiac triggered this cycle, I am finally free.
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| I'm on pinnacle?Or getting there! |
Food has never tasted so sweet.
*Also found at Peas and Crayon's link party and Runningwithspoon's link party!*
How did celiac alternate your dating with meals? How is food and you now? Comment underneath!
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